REPOST: What Am I?

[Vincithias, The Watchman]

The following was a posted by Stuie... Unfortunately. for security reasons, I had to delete his post. Please note, when posting post NO personal information. If you really want to be personally contacted, leave the invitation open, and ONLY through PM disclose ANY personal information.

I do not consider myself as an evil being. I will admit that sometimes the thought of running a chainsaw through certain people's face brings a smile to my own face. These particular beings are not what one consider "innocents." I have tried several times to feel some kind of love from Christ. But for some reason I seem to be unable to feel; Love, Joy, Pride, Hate, Lust and Guilt.

I'm sure that you will read this and think I'm just messing with you or playing some stupid joke. The truth is that I'm not. I have no anger or hatred towards those who live each day with a smile on their face. I want them to continue to smile. I don't understand their happiness, but I accept it.

I try to open myself to faith as much as I can. I have heard people talk about the experience of "The Holy Spirit," yet I do not seem to be able to experience that feeling myself.

What I am trying to get to is do you and others feel that perhaps something like me exist because in the end time, it is necessary? I know I do not exist to cause ultimate good, but I do not believe I exist to oppose Good. Some part inside of me that does not understand normal feelings and emotions, but feels that I am suppose to be able to carry out what true good can not.

If you wish to understand more (or have an answer to what lack of feeling I have), please contact me. This for me is a desperate plea because I have no desire to act on behalf of evil, if I am suppose to act on the side of good. I have a feeling that Hell exist, but have no desire to go there. Just because I do not understand love, does not mean that I want to experience eternal torment.

BTW, if you are wondering what brought me to this website, it's the main song of the Walking Dead podcast. I was looking for a podcast on the subject of zombies that interested me. The song Devil Is A Loser got me hooked. Too many people glorify the ultimate Judas, so a song making fun of It entertains me.

[Vincithias, The Watchman]

Stuie, everyone struggles with some sort of deep yearning to know and be loved by God. In fact, this point is wonderfully illustrated in the book "Hiding From Love" by Dr. John Townsend. I've just started reading this book because I have trouble being Loved by God.

I had no childhood. It was robbed from me by a series of mental and blood disorders. I spent more time than any child should in hospitals having bloodwork done, seeing shrinks, the whole shooting match. As a result, I would lock myself in solitude, a sort of cave if you will, where the outside world couldn't keep hurting me. My Dad was often stand-offish with me, expecting high things of me, and continually being disapointed by my results. My dad and I to this day are trying to mend a very injured relationship. I, the Demon Hunter, he the Musician, we see the world in much different colors. For me, it's black and white. Good versus evil. For him it was grand strokes of abstract colors, and as grand as it was, I remained for him, in black and white. I am this way, I should be that way. Needless to say, we didn't get along so well though I love him dearly.

Due to the nature of our tumultuous relationship, I never learned to deal with male affection on any real level. The healthy kind, I mean. When hurt, scared, or otherwise, I ran to my mother. Sometimes, a boy needs his dad around to catch the fall. Only, I wasn't willing to run to him that often.

Now in my 30's, I have started the mend, because like my inability to accept love, both romantic from women, and agape from Men, I also have a negativity problem. I fight it constantly, the very things I yearn for, such as romance and intimacy, I find myself in my darkest moments, despising.

Every follower is wounded, some of us cry out for God's love, but at the same time, despise the very love we seek because our broken nature has put up defenses against being hurt. Many of which fend off the allies along with the enemy. The key is to seek healing, through counseling from a brother who knows, or as I am doing it, through a book that unveils hidden areas of your life which must be unveiled.

I hope in some way, this speaks to your spirit. But for now, for you, and dammit, because it's my calling and I can...

In the name of Christ Jesus, I rebuke the powers of negativity, hatred, and anger that influence Stuie's life. Your assignments are canceled, and I cast you into the abyss. I plead the blood of Christ over my brother, and it's healing properties, that like me, he may finally begin to experience the love of God.

LORD VINCENT.

[Timothy J Murray]

Stuie,

You did the right thing in crying out for help. I believe that this inability to feel for you is actually just a lie from the enemy. If the devil's legions can get you to believe that you can't feel guilt - they can then make you believe you're perfect and keep you from repentance. If they get you to believe you can't feel love, they'll surely convince you that God doesn't love you and you'll soon find yourself questioning God's existence. A common response to feeling a lack of love from God is to search for it in the wrong places, primarily sexual promiscuity - which will put you into the devil's hands and surely on your way to Hell if you don't repent. I'm not trying to say "You're wrong, You don't know anything about yourself!". I'm just stating my suspicion that you truly do feel these feelings, just not all that often because you are under some type of spiritual oppression.

As for whether you are an evil being...let me ask you a few questions that will address this question and also introduce you to the grandness of Christ's love for us...

Have you ever told a lie? If you have what does that make you?

Have you ever stolen ANYTHING regardless of the value? if you have then what does that make you?

have you ever murdered anyone? (keep in mind that hatred [such as running a chainsaw through someone's face] is considered the root of murder and therefore equal to murder in the eyes of God per Christ's teachings) If you have hated, judged, or murdered someone - what does that make you?

Have you ever committed adultery? (Christ taught that looking upon someone with lust is equal to adultery). If you have looked upon a woman with lust, masturbated, or had premarital sex - what does that make you?

These are some of the Ten Commandments - God's standard by which he measures whether we are good or not. I'm sure you have broken at least some of the ones I've mentioned and possibly the other ones as well...God says in the BIble that if you have broken one of them you have broken them all.

Does this make you an evil person? Maybe it does. I would say that when I asked myself those same questions in the summer of 2007 - I realized what I truly was - an unrepentant sinner in the hands of an angry God. I thought: How can I get to heaven with these sins? and it clicked - what they had told me in Catholic Sunday School all those years finally made sense - Jesus died on the cross to save us from our sins. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior and completely surrendered my life to Him knowing I may be tortured for the rest of my life but that it was worth it because a God that awesome deserved it. God now looks at those who accept Christ's blood as perfect and sinless!

So if you want to experience Christ's love - think of His crucifixion - He suffered death, whipping, beating, being spat upon, and nails driven through his arms and legs, a crown of thorns placed upon His head. Picture this: the King of Kings, One who was giving His life selflessly so taht all may have eternal life is being mocked and rejected by His own people, dying a criminals death after being found completely innocent by neutral parties. If devils and demons (they get on us all the time so don't worry) tell you that Christ doesn't love you or you can't experience Christ's love - SPEAK RIGHT TO THEM AND SAY "OH YEAH, WHAT ABOUT THE CROSS!!!" The cross proves that the Devil is a loser more than anything - he's terrified of it because he knows he can't do anything about it.

The devil lost over two thousand years ago and all he can do now stuie is make you feel miserable to the point where you turn your back on God, which is apparently what he is doing. Praise God that that hasn't happened and won't happen, because you're here, seeking Him and bringing glory and honor to Him in your trials as you resist "the Loser". The fact that you got on this website and cried out to God, is a testament to His great glory and authority.

In conclusion: don't believe the lies and know that you are in God's hands. Continue to walk with Jesus and you will experience unspeakable joy in God's kingdom.

May the peace of Christ be with you all,

Tim