Mourning

[Vincithias, The Watchman]

This weekend I did something I don't think I've ever done. I visited the grave of someone once close to me and found myself in tears. Now, I'm not one to mourn anyone's death, especially someone who was a believer. I mourn their abscence for sure, but never their death. I mean, they escaped.

In the 10 years since Lisa and I split, I've been on an emotional roller coaster. With her I loved harder and hurt longer than I think anyone knows is possible. Such are things regarding your first true love. Many years ago her Aunt Manuella died. For reasons I shall leave personal, I was closer to Manuella than I think Lisa knows, and I'll never reveal to her why.

Suffice to say, I cried hard, bitter tears. I talked to Manuella about what has happened since she moved on from this life. I realize, she can't really do anything for me, but there is something therapeutic about crying by the resting place of a loved one. Ultimately, it lead me to prayer.

Few understand how much I hurt from things that have happened. Most of it I've moved on from, but there is always that nagging feel of regret and guilt about how I handled things and how my actions lead to things that happened.

The biggest realization I had as a result of this was that I had not in fact failed at relationships. Rather, I should settle for nothing less than the electricity and the heart pounding chemistry I experienced with Lisa. While some things were exclusive to our relationship, chemistry and connection were not one of them. Anyone who asks me to compromise either of them is asking me to settle for less than exactly what I want.

My time by the grave site allowed God to reveal truths about my hurt and to let me know, I didn't fail, they did.

[Dana]

This is late, I know, but haven't read this until now. Just wanted to say, I can relate to this more than you will understand. I know the feeling all too well. But God is in control of everything and in the end, it will all work out. The only thing to remember is to follow and listen to Him, even if He leads you down a path you don't immediately want to go...maybe because it isn't what you wanted it to be. That's easier to say but much harder to do. I know. I'm learning that myself. But like you said, sometimes faith has to be blind. We may not see the outcome right away...but He sees it long before we do, so He knows the best route/path to take. We have to fully surrender to Him, letting our wants become His wants and His wants become our wants. Then, the rest will fall into place AND it WILL be electric beyond our wildest dreams!